Dear Detroit Lions,
I have been where you are right now. A season full of losses, nary a win to be found in fact. And here you are, one game away from the perfect losing season. Now, some of you might still be hoping to win tonight and end up 1-15. But really, is it that much better to have one win under your belt? I can say definitively, no. You see, in 2001 Cal was in the same position. We were totally winless, and our very last game was a road trip to Rutgers* that was delayed by months because of 9/11. And what did we do? We ruined it all by winning. It's like we couldn't even lose right, we had to destroy the one thing we had going for us. It was a letdown, and really it's not any less embarrassing to be 1-15 instead of 0-16. So go for it all today--finish your season perfectly. Don't make the same mistake we did. Be a total loser and embrace it.
*The one silver lining is that, years later, I'm able to lord this win over certain people on occasion.